A non-existant conversation continues...
Started this last night but was too tired and thought the better of actually posting it. Read it today and it made no sense whatsoever so I deleted it and started over. #yourewelcome
Sorry - I didn't mean to not continue our conversation in person. It simply didn't occur to me. #squirrel
Now that the intention is to talk more in person and less on the keyboard, you should probably know that I rarely start verbal conversations, and the conversations I do start are even more rarely for the purpose of my being the one to talk. Friendship is comfortable silence, but I realize that needs to change a bit, and for that I apologize.
Also to that end, do you feel that you have freedom to start a conversation and speak freely? I think that is my biggest concern at the moment, personally. In my mind, you ceased being a "student leader" and became a friend awhile ago. I suspect Brendan feels the same. It doesn't really occur to me that you may not feel the same about Brendan and/or I, specifically as it relates to being free to disagree, or initiate a discussion and expect us to want to be part of that simply because of the friendship.
I tend to be very open and direct even with people I recognize as being in authority, but I have been told that I can be rather... intimidating... myself, so once again, please accept my apology if you've felt at all like I wouldn't respect the relationship in that way. I started in youth ministry as a high school senior working with junior high boys who had no qualms telling me what music I should and shouldn't listen to, or calling me out when I wasn't living up to my own standards, and I suppose that's been my expectation ever since.
But the flip side is that you may be trying to be equally respectful of me, and I know you start conversations just as infrequently, so... basically the friendship is doomed from the start. 😂 It was fun while it lasted. Which conversation were you thinking we were going to continue? Guidelines or photography? I can continue at least some of either one here potentially.
Sorry - I didn't mean to not continue our conversation in person. It simply didn't occur to me. #squirrel
Now that the intention is to talk more in person and less on the keyboard, you should probably know that I rarely start verbal conversations, and the conversations I do start are even more rarely for the purpose of my being the one to talk. Friendship is comfortable silence, but I realize that needs to change a bit, and for that I apologize.
Also to that end, do you feel that you have freedom to start a conversation and speak freely? I think that is my biggest concern at the moment, personally. In my mind, you ceased being a "student leader" and became a friend awhile ago. I suspect Brendan feels the same. It doesn't really occur to me that you may not feel the same about Brendan and/or I, specifically as it relates to being free to disagree, or initiate a discussion and expect us to want to be part of that simply because of the friendship.
I tend to be very open and direct even with people I recognize as being in authority, but I have been told that I can be rather... intimidating... myself, so once again, please accept my apology if you've felt at all like I wouldn't respect the relationship in that way. I started in youth ministry as a high school senior working with junior high boys who had no qualms telling me what music I should and shouldn't listen to, or calling me out when I wasn't living up to my own standards, and I suppose that's been my expectation ever since.
But the flip side is that you may be trying to be equally respectful of me, and I know you start conversations just as infrequently, so... basically the friendship is doomed from the start. 😂 It was fun while it lasted. Which conversation were you thinking we were going to continue? Guidelines or photography? I can continue at least some of either one here potentially.
Apology accepted! For what it's worth it wasn't that big of a deal, and I'm sorry if I made it seem that way? I had a crap ton of stuff racing through my head Sunday, completely unrelated to our discussion. I didn't bring it up because of that (except when I did as I left, lol). Also I had said my peace for the most part, and I figured it was your turn, so if you wanted to say something you would.
ReplyDeleteAs a guy who values communication I'm sure crap at it, lol!
As for the conversation to continue - like I said I had pretty much said my peace on guidelines, so unless you have something else to add I'm fine.
Photography is up to you as well? I'll just add that I do all my editing on my phone, my laptop is a pain to work on with photography. Snapseed is a mobile application, which is why I don't have more advanced crop features. And since it's a hobby, the more money and time I invest is less that I have for my passions in life, such as music and film.
Moved part of this conversation to messenger - the part where I ask what was actually going on Sunday night. I didn't really get the impression not talking was a big deal, just that *something* was a big deal and I missed it. Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks and your mouth spoke "not ok"... but it was too late? Or maybe it wasn't and I missed it again. #learningcurve
ReplyDeleteThe other question I asked in the original reply is whether Brendan's shared with the guys or you in particular about how we met? Or if I've ever shared much actual life stuff with you before? Not just music, but the fact that I have three sisters and a man I counted as a brother. The story of how, the summer after my freshman year of college, I almost got engaged to a man I wasn't dating, we later broke off our friendship entirely and didn't talk for about 5 years, and now his wife (who I've never met in person) is a woman I count as a dear friend. That I've helped kill hundreds of animals (dogs, cats, etc), but still cry when I have to kill a mouse at work and strongly requested that Brendan help me build a giant rat maze to shoo a rat out of our house that got trapped in the office rather than setting traps. You know - the basics.
I'm good at asking questions, but forget to give equal context. That's fine for a teacher-student, or counselor-patient dynamic, but friends is different. And this is the first time since I was 17 that I haven't lived within walking distance of the vast majority of my male friends, and don't see them at least 5-7 days a week. Apparently that's the norm for most of the US, but not for me, and another fact I feel would give a lot of context to any further discussions... LOL!! #learningcurve
Again, Sunday was a good day. Sorry to worry you two, lol!!
ReplyDeleteGod was speaking to my heart and giving parts of an answer to a year old question. And while I mentioned that I don't mind talking about it, I don't really need or want advice. It's something Jesus is working me through. I've gotten hurt from over sharing with people and then following advice, namely because God was trying to get me to listen to Him and spend time communing with Him. I'm trying to be more careful about what I share now, so that's the reason behind the lack of information last night (plus, I didn't want to get chastised again for texting you while I was out with a friend! 😂).
For the most part, all the information you just shared is news to me, lol! I believe Brendan touched on how you met, it was at some kind of party and you were off in a corner by yourself?
Come to think of it, there is plenty about me that the two of you don't know.
For example, I cheated through two years of high school, pretty much didn't do anything yesterday three and did three and four together. I grew up as a liar and would lie to everyone I knew constantly for the fun of it, but when I got saved God changed that in me and turned me into a man who values trust and honesty and now I strive to tell the truth in every I say and do.
I've been working since I was 11.
The (quiet) beach is the only place I can sit in total silence in my mind and heart.
I'm still kind of afraid of the dark.
Everything else I wanted to list had to do with music, much of which I've shared already, lol!
I think I've shared that I have a hard time making and keeping friendships. I hardly had any close childhood friends, and in my teenage years the only people I interacted with were the other newspaper carriers and people I met online playing videos. Not a very healthy situation, also that's probably why I feel more comfortable behind a keyboard than anything else...
Glad you're learning to keep your own counsel! Hopefully we/I haven't been part of the problem in the past? If you want to share at some point, cool, but I feel like you usually are good at asking for advice if you want it. Always feel free to say you just need to vent and don't want an opinion. I can do that. It's hard, lol, but I can actually sit and just listen every once in awhile.
ReplyDeleteWarning: if there's ever another situation where we're literally in the same room with you for the better part of three hours, swapping out one of us beside you for most of it, and right before you leave you say we haven't talked, this conversation will probably happen again. lol. But you're right, I would have chewed you out for having a huge chat while out with a friend. Which is what I thought you were trying to avoid and why I suggested coming over instead. 😂
No, the issue was with a past mentor and a few others that I was letting speak into my life but their words were empty and I didn't recognize it (or want to.) I feel I have the freedom to tell you two if that ever was an issue though! lol.
DeleteWarning duly noted 😂
As for the rest, I think my next blog will be a playlist of my life. I had a very different childhood than you and Brendan (I wonder if it's a California homeschooler thing?), other than the lying part. I have Brendan beat hands down at that. He can't lie to save his life, and I thought about becoming a spy. Ironically, I probably trust you more now than ever before. I never thought you would intentionally lie to me, but most people say things they think other people want/need to hear, or half truths to avoid hurting someone's feelings.... or don't even realize they're not fine when they say they are (Brendan the first two years of marriage). Now when you say you're good, I know you actually are, and that you would also tell me if you weren't but wanted me to stay out of it. :) It's a rare thing, and I appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteOff to finish the work I missed taking Sam to the vet, but was too wound up to do when I got home lol. Should have 1/28 outlined for you later tonight, but I think you'll be at volleyball. Do me a favor and text B if the same crew as last week comes back this week? He could use some legit competition.
-skip to lies & trust- Funny about that, isn't it? Thank you for believing me and respecting that.
DeleteI hope Sam is doing better, I told my mom about it and showed her the pictures. She was pretty smitten with that one of him smiling. 😂
Probably won't happen because I only play once in a blue moon now. Might change in summer. B should have taken my offer to play on Monday nights when they still did that, it was extremely competitive.